Not that you would, but if you could guarantee that your Pastor Appreciation Gift would be the worst gift ever received, what would you give to your pastor? Here is a serious list of the seven worst possible “gifts” that your pastor absolutely does not want:

1. Passive-aggressive gift. Unless you’re the pastor’s significant other, avoid giving them fancy résumé paper, an economy size bag of breath mints, or that yellow “Pastoral Leadership for Dummies” book. Passive-aggressive gifts are typically received with the active aggression in which they were intended. Nothing says “you’re worthless” quite like a nice-nasty gift that you wasted your money to buy. Breaking the spirit of the pastoral leader is not worth a sarcastic laugh. You don’t want to face the awkward scenario of seeking forgiveness when your pastor shows up during your deep grief and brokenness. That’s why it’s best to keep that active-aggressive gift to yourself or on the shelf. Better yet, remove it from your online shopping cart. Your pastor wants your friendship not some gag gift that elicits a cheap laugh. Your trust - that’s a gift worth giving.

2. Verbal lashing at the next business meeting. Sharing your dissenting perspective in a business meeting is perfectly appropriate, especially if those remarks are written clearly to address problems - not personnel - related to accomplishing the church’s mission and vision. Sadly, there’s no hate quite like Christian love, especially at called church business meetings. The goals of a business meeting are two-fold: to be boring and short. Meetings that are lively and lengthy usually uncover problems and the symptoms of problems. No one likes getting chewed out publicly, including your pastor. Exercise restraint and self-control, which is a fruit of the Holy Spirit. Matthew 12:34b reminds us that “Out of the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks.” Or, as Faydra Deon Fields so wisely wrote, “Sometimes you have to decide which will hurt more: biting your tongue or having your say.” Your pastor really wants the gift of a well-run, healthy church; that’s a gift worth giving.

3. Snarky comments about their appearance. The amount of ridiculous comments that pastors - especially clergywomen - receive about their appearance is overwhelming and unconscionable. Encouraging them about how well they preached that sermon or how meaningful their prayer was to you is always preferred to comments about their grooming and dress habits. If you must give your pastor a compliment about their appearance, don’t be sexist. Try something like, “Your hair is lovely today, as was your command of today’s text from the pulpit. You are what a pastor looks like!” Or, “I love those heels, and your pastoral prayer today really lifted my spirit.” Or, “What a handsome necktie you have on today, your message was as sharp as your outfit.” Your pastor really wants to know that you’re growing spiritually; that’s a gift worth giving.

4. Critical email. Pastoral leadership is not for the faint-of-heart. In fact, clergy are often “fire-fighters” or problem-solving practitioners, especially when they supervise staff. Email is so convenient, but emails are best used to communicate general information (who, what, where, and when) and to ask simple non-urgent questions. Nuance and intent are not easily transcribed in written form. If you must deliver a caring critique to your pastor, always do so privately and in-person during a planned meeting. If you want to schedule a critical meeting via email, request a one-on-one meeting and give them time to prepare for the meeting. Good pastors will pull you aside after a worship service or call to ask you how they should prepare. If you must be critical, come to the meeting with possible solutions, ask good, open-ended questions, and listen carefully. Your pastor wants the best for you and your congregation, as I’m sure you do, too. Don’t send that critical email to your pastor. Save it as a draft or send it to yourself, and set up a meeting. Your pastor wants to hear from you and know you’re invested in the vitality of the church; that’s a gift worth giving.

5. Opposition to time-off. Like other workers, pastors also earn their time away. Earned time-off is not a gift, it is non-monetary compensation for completed work. Certain exceptions to uninterrupted time-off can be made, but those boundaries should be set by the minister and communicated to the congregation in advance. Many pastors have shortened a family vacation to console the grieving family of a church matriarch or patriarch, but those decisions are usually made long before vacation is planned. Antagonizing your pastor’s time away is unhealthy for you, the church, the minister, and their family. Some weeks demand more intensive time to ministerial work by the pastor that goes unseen, and most weeks take every minute of allotted time to tending to the work of the church. Asking your pastor to account for their time by “managing up” and sending weekly emails to elected leadership is a micromanaging waste of time. Be a blessing to your pastor, not a burden to your collective ministry. Your pastor wants you to celebrate their time away by honoring their necessary detachment from their pastoral labors; that’s a gift worth giving.

6. Ideas without investment. If there’s one thing that frustrates a pastor faster than having a know-it-all in the congregation it’s having a know-it-all that does nothing. Ideas are a dime a dozen and only a few ideas are valuable to the mission of the church. What separates good ideas from great ones is action. Do you want your church to increase its overall Sunday school attendance? Volunteer to teach a class that brings value to people’s lives and speaks to the needs of the congregation. Do you want to improve a program of the church? Volunteer to lead the training and help make the improvements yourself. If you know how to do something, but refuse to help, you’re not serving the congregation, you’re serving your own ego in what will become your self-fulfilling prophecy. The pastor’s work is to equip the saints for the work of ministry; the saint’s work is to serve alongside their clergy. Your pastor really wants to see you investing your time to carry out the good ideas you have; that’s a gift worth giving.

7. Termination at-will. Being fired without cause, facing a forced resignation or termination, and having your position eliminated are traumatic stresses for any employee, but especially ministers. Even under the best circumstances, it could be a year or more before a pastor has healed enough to serve another congregation. Answering the call to ministry only to be “let go” by a church is embarrassing and painful. If your congregation is thinking about giving your pastor the euphemistic gift of freedom, your church’s lay leadership needs outside help to help facilitate this possible transition. You all need to think about how this one decision will disrupt the spiritual ecosystem of your minister and their family, the surrounding community, your denominational affiliates, and your church’s reputation. Unless your pastor is abusive, severely negligent in their duties, or facing credible allegations of sexual misconduct, you would do well to intervene with empathy, knowing that your actions will have lasting consequences for all involved. If firing your pastor cannot be avoided with performance improvement plans, negotiated and agreed upon goals, and graceful accommodations, providing them with a generous severance package that includes counseling and an opportunity to say goodbye will help soften the wound. Your pastor really doesn’t want to be fired, they want the dignity of due diligence and your help because they don’t have all the answers. That’s a gift worth giving.